The Infomercial Christmas (Twas the night before Christmas)

The Infomercial Christmas-Adapted by Sean Kelley

Twas the night before Christmas TV, when all through the house

Not a kitchen appliance was humming, nor even a Stick Up Light by Westinghouse;

The stockings were hung by SockPro Organizers with care,

In hopes that Billy Mays, or maybe Vince the Slap Chop guy, soon would be there;

The Snuggie Kids were nestled all Snug in their Sleep Number beds,

While HD visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her Slanket, and I in my Beer Can Cap,

Had just removed our Bumpits for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the Perfect Patch lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the Select Comfort bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I did Ab Rocket like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and did Ultimate Push Up the sash.

My Quik Brite Lights I just bought on that paid show,

Gave the lustre of mid-day to see my Topsy Turvy Tomato.

When, what to my TV strained eyes should appear,

But two for the price of one, and free shipping right here.

With a black bearded salesman, so lively and loud,

I knew in a moment he sold to the crowd.

More rapid than most barkers his pitches they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by brand name;

"Now Zorbeez! now Gopher! now OxiClean, and Orange Glo!

On, Grater Plater! On, ShamWow! on Kaboom! and Grip Wrench Pro!

To the the telephone! to the make the phone call!

Slap Chop It! Magic Bullet! Food process it all!

As a skilled pitchmen he did unwind his magical tale

When met with an obstacle, the item's on sale.

So to their wallets the buyers they flew,

Watching the sleigh full of TV products, and Billy Mays too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the tube, 

It slices, it dices and even makes tiny cubes.

As I came to my head, and was turning around,

Out of my TV Billy Mays leapt with a bound.

He was dressed all in blue, as for his shirt, can't say for his foot

And his items all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of cleaners he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His gaze was intense but not all that scary.

His fast talking mouth guaranteed products he did extol,

And the beard of his chin was as black as coal.

The super chamois he often held in his hand,

While his nemesis Vince did get a tan.

He had a broad face and was known as a closer,

When he smelled something bad, he asked "What Odor?"

He was chubby and plump from his TV fame,

And We laughed when We saw him, yet bought from this name!

A wave of his hand and the force of his pitch,

Soon gave me to know I had a need to buy that I must itch.

He spoke many a word, flew home in his jet,

And filled all the orders, even those for your pet.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, with Midas touch, higher he rose!

He sprang to his headquarters, and to his team gave a shout,

And from the shelves new products flew, until sold out.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere his infomercial did end,